I wrote this last June.
It was a really powerful time for me.
I had just done a lot of internal work and began to really honor my boundaries and only say yes to what I deserve.
But my past showed up. & since it's Mercury Retrograde, a season where the past tends to show up, I thought I would share this in case it would help someone else.
Also - just after writing this, I met the love of my life.
June 1, 2018
Time is not linear. We keep coming back to the same things, but with a deeper knowing and more experience that changes our perspective on the situation or person.
For the past year, I have been working my ass off on self-love, confidence, and my overall health; however, a few things from my past came up recently and shook things up.
One of those being my ex.
And it really messed with me. I thought that I was healed and moved on.
But a quick walk turned into dinner and then turned into talking on the couch for hours late into the night.
After he left, I was shocked. And confused.
After all this time - how could I have given him so much more of my time?
Now don't get me wrong - he is a great guy. He did nothing wrong in our breakup or after.
But I felt like I had lost time because I was so hurt after.
The next day, I held space for myself, I sifted through all my feelings and thoughts.
I realized that the evening had been a beautiful type of closure. One that opened the door to a new type of relationship for us - a friendship. I remembered that I have a direction for my life that I love, and that as great as he is, our paths just don't line up that way anymore. The release of the burden of not knowing what would happen was like a deep breath.
And that made me realize something else.
Before this year, I would have seen my past showing up as a bad thing. I would have beaten myself up for letting it affect me so much, and, honestly, would have been affected even more. Shame is so toxic.
But as I’ve sat and held space for my thoughts and feelings, I’ve realized that instead of shaming myself, I could find the good in it.
Plus, I could see the places in my foundation that were strong and did not crumble, and the places that were weak and fell to pieces.
Strong and weak do not represent good and bad.
I had both good and bad strong foundational pillars, as well as good and bad weak foundational pillars.
This small earthquake helped me become more aware of them - helped me decipher which is which.
It wasn't about doing the right or wrong thing when he showed up. It was about the experience of facing my past so that I could compare it to how much I've grown.
I see that my energetic boundaries were the weakest because this week I have had the most difficult time rejecting other people’s emotions.
On the other hand, my confidence in my identity is so much stronger.
I know that I’m in love with the direction of my life - no longer am I willing to adjust it so easily for someone just because I have feelings for them.
So when a wave of change crashes into our lives and floods our homes, as one of my favorite spiritual mentors said: Sit in the middle of the change and ride it. Let it clear out what is bad, let it show you what needs to be strengthened.
Your old vibrational patterns will rise up - not to harm you, but so that you have the opportunity to reject them and choose a higher energy.